And then there are always things to do, make the reservations for Easter, follow up with the cold readers, find Ursula’s address, go to the clinic.  Drop the videos off at library. pick up new ones, get bread, milk, cat food.  Although I did work on my writing.  Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow

But its the people who intrude…like my mom, my brother, a needy friend, they all want and I’m not giving.  Leave me alone.  They eventually do, but they each have their own agendas.  I don’t pester people.  Do I?  I’m willing to look at that.

I feel agitated.  Angry.  I cried before because I wanted my grandma, who was the matriarch and who could smooth things out.

Now I’m left with a big bad step sister as a mother.  Icing on the outside, rotten hideous venom on the inside.  Hate it.  Wish it was different.

Want to manifest a different family and group of close friends who are more respectful.

The group around me is Ok…but the group right beyond it is more to my liking.  Who makes me feel nurtured:

My boyfriend, mas, lilly, bothy, goodness, need to create some more supports.  The others, they need me more than I them.

What do I want:

Rich, rewarding friendships and an intimate relationship where I feel supported–financially, emotionally and don’t have to dodge people’s needs and barbs.  I am invited to parties, social functions, operas, classical concerts, plays, travel and honored for my lightheartedness, genuine companionship and soberness.

More sober friends.

I don’t have to take care of people any longer to have value in my life.  I release them.  Feed off someone else.

Here ya go hungry ghosts, go chase your own demons.  I walk away and do my own thing, thank you very much.

I prepare for my audition.  I enjoy my life.  I go travel where I want to.

I should charge up my iPod too.  Ok. let me get on that.  Its a distraction, and maybe I’ll be ‘noticed’ today.  I’ll get ready ina  moment.

I had a dream I yelled at R for being a slacker.  He was going to take off to L.A. to be available for work, I knew he would party.

I hope today he looks into doing different jobs.  I don’t like carrying the load.  Thats not my job.  He needs to contribute.

I will put a boundary on it.  I need to be supported.  I am.  by the universe, by my own actions, parents, reiki community, acting world…lots of things coming together.

lalalala

ta dah

 I still need to enter in my final figures for the state and update the addresses…I guess it will have to wait.  I have an audition on Sunday that I’m debating about going to or not.

I guess I don’thave that much to do but it feels like a lot.  Oh, market the level I class to the actors, but I have 5…shouldn’t I just wait and see who else joins?  One more…always reaching and going for the nth degree.  Level 2 training..thats what I need to focus on.  The chart I’m working on will take time…I just don’t often feel like hanging out at the laptop all day and entering facts and figures.  Weighs me down.

Need to write a blurb for Gloria or can that wait too?  Maybe on Saturday..have to see how the show goes and what I can and can’t get away with in terms of doing my own work there.

Glad I made the doctor’s appt.  Paid a bill.  Have to pay another and rent too.  Ouch.  Oh, and make the changes to the websites…coming…coming. I guess its everything in process right now.

Maybe I’ll do more later.  Maybe not.  tired.  tired.tired.

Glad we are doing the shows but I want to get paid for them.  sponsors.  Asking the Universe for support.  Financially.  Please.  Thank you.

Off to soak.

I’m tired.  I’m exhausted actually.  I have another person to see tonight, which is fine, its more in a guidance type role and maybe some session work.  and then a dinner for a friend.  I feel awkward about the dinner already, I will be pleasant and fun and maybe I can act my way out of it.  I don’t like their ‘fun’ expectations.  And birthdays have that quality.  Fuck it.  I’m tired of meeting other people’s expectations.  I’m glad I have this blog.

I don’t care who reads it and if someone can get some help from it, so be it.

tomorrow I’m glad I have the time to work on my list.  Always a list.  Lalalala.

Today is one of those days I don’t feel like I did much, yet, I’m getting inquiries into my Reiki work, so thats something.

I’m still tired.  I think I should get some acupuncture tomorrow.  Its the only form of bodywork right now that seems to have a decent effect on my system.

I have an idea for another blog post on the decline of the English language through text messaging.  I also want to talk about the adventures of Suki Potato.  So stay tuned.

I wanna have things take off again, it doesn’t seem like thats happening yet.  Maybe after the innauguration…we shall see.

Getting the munchies and going off diet for one day.  Its this same pattern again and again and again and I am tired of it.  Enought to give up booze again for awhile.  How about the next two weeks again?  It will save money.  I think with going out to lunch, then beers, then over to Vashon, gas, then dinner, I spent $200.  Ok, thats enough for entertainment.

I need to be bringing money in.  Where is it?  I hope the gal responds for a session.  I hope some of the other emails I have sent out start producing results.  I’ll keep reaching out into the ocean, casting my net, day after day.  I am a fisherwoman.  Thats what going on the internet is like.  I keep trying different ponds, I try the same pond, I explore different ways of fishing…Lets try Twitter again, lets try that other social networking site…and join other groups on Facebook and put the ads out.  Keep doing trying every day.  More PR, writing the blogs, writing and communicating and just trying to get it out there.

Whats an event thats coming up soon?  What would you like to do?  I’d like to be supported.  Being yelled at last night was not fun.

I’ve had better days, we’ve apologized but things are still a  little off, getting better.

I want to go to the gym and maybe a swim will help.  In another hour, that would be good.  Maybe a movie.  Should check the time listings.

I’m guessing no cross country skiing, oh well.

Oh, pimp the Cultivating class.  I better have my notes to refer back to for all that I will do tomorrow.  Little by little by little.

I don’t want to talk to him about it because it just makes his bad situation feel worse.  I also believe in abundance and feel very supported for the work and creations I make and do.  He does contribute and cleans up around the house, but more than anything, I’d like him to get a job.

Having him in the house while I work is ok, but its going on a month.  I did get to go away for a week out of that month on my own, and I am glad I did because I needed it. 

I’m tired of paying his way through life.  When he works again I know he will reimburse me, but carrying the load is not the worry I need or want.

Makes it hard to share myself intimately, because its another part of me I have to give.

This weekend, I’m not spending any money unless I have to, at the luncheon, I will for me, but he’s on his own.

The evenings I’m going to do my own thing….which makes it hard because I want to share my life but not at the expense of sharing all my finances.

It makes me feel old being bitter, It makes feel tired constantly having to reach out.

I try looking for a job and nothing pops up.  I don’t want to listen to the news and hear the economic misery, I put on a happy face for the anti-career work.

I’m glad I’m getting Reiki later today, I need it.  I need bodywork each week right now.

Next week I will go and get acupuncture on Tuesday or Wednesday.

I hope our DVD player isn’t broken.  Another expense.  Expense, expense.

I don’t like the flow going out so much.  I embrace it coming in.  Coming in, coming in.

Money flows in abundance.  Resources are plentiful.

Its hard not to go out to eat because I spend so much time in the house, I like getting out.  Maybe I should go work out this morning after sending a few more emails.

I also tend to get fixated on outmoded ideas and habits and tends to be preoccupied right now with using a paper calendar to keep track of things rather than an electronic device.  She’s also developed a fixation on the diet soft drink, Tab.

Her knowledge of the world is vast, but very myopic, and she often knows a fact in great detail but very specific to a certain field or genre.  For instance, the ecosystem of the cork tree, Quercus Suber, is in threat of becoming eliminated due to decrease in wineries converting to plastic corks.  The tree grows well and is harvested in Portugal because of the dry and sunny climate.  But as fewer amounts of cork are being needed, farmers are beginning to parcel off their land to developers, threatening the ecosystem the cork tree has been part of including many other flora and fauna that have grown in the ancient Quercus Suber groves.